> Joke of Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Computers, as Depicted in the Movies
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy
to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can
correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET
FILES" on any keyboard.
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow
down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by
a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie
modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is
usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone
must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the
performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
What we've learned in a computer lab
Books for a Good Laugh